Alex Turner’s 10 Wittiest Lyrics: Arctic Monkeys to TLSP
I love Alex Turner’s sense of humour. Across Arctic Monkeys, The Last Shadow Puppets and his solo work, there’s no shortage of sharp observations and cheeky one-liners to choose from. Here are ten examples, covering self-doubt, a questionable chat-up line and a few very good insults.
Alex Turner, The Majestic Ventura Theatre, 2013 © Nicole Dilley
1. “Batphone” — Arctic Monkeys (2018)
“I launch my fragrance called Integrity
I sell the fact that I can’t be bought.”
Turner told Steve Lamacq he first pictured the lettering on an Integrity fragrance bottle, and the punchline followed. Selling your refusal to sell out. There’s probably a marketing team somewhere wishing they’d thought of it.
2. “Teddy Picker” — Arctic Monkeys (2007)
“Presuming that all things are equal
Who’d want to be men of the people
When there’s people like you?”
All very noble, being a man of the people, until someone reminds you exactly who that includes. I love how he takes a respectable phrase and uses it to tell someone he can’t stand them.
3. “Fake Tales of San Francisco” — Arctic Monkeys (2005)
“You’re not from New York City, you’re from Rotherham.”
I could’ve chosen several lyrics from this song, but this one wins. All that borrowed New York glamour, brought to an abrupt stop in Rotherham.
4. “The Bourne Identity” — The Last Shadow Puppets (2016)
“I feel like the sequel
You wanna see but you were kinda hoping they would never make.”
The sequel people are curious about and quietly hoping never happens. A fairly brutal review to give yourself before you’re even out.
5. “Piledriver Waltz” — Alex Turner (2011)
“You look like you’ve been for breakfast at the Heartbreak Hotel
And sat in the back booth by the pamphlets and the literature on how to lose.”
The pamphlets are what do it for me. Turner imagines the Heartbreak Hotel as an actual establishment where you can have your breakfast and pick up some advice on failure. As if you weren’t having a bad enough morning.
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6. “Suck It and See” — Arctic Monkeys (2011)
“That’s not a skirt, girl, that’s a sawn-off shotgun
And I can only hope you’ve got it aimed at me.”
That is a bold chat-up line. He’s spotted the danger and would very much like her to point it directly at him. Cheeky, daft and delivered without a scrap of shame.
7. “Do Me a Favour” — Arctic Monkeys (2007)
“Perhaps ‘fuck off’ might be too kind.”
Rude. Hilarious. It’s the almost polite consideration that gets me: he’s weighed up telling someone to fuck off and decided he’d still be letting them down too gently.
8. “Catapult” — Arctic Monkeys (2009)
“And you will queue up to listen to him pissing.”
That’s some charisma. On this B-side to “Cornerstone”, apparently even his toilet breaks are worth waiting for.
9. “The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala” — Arctic Monkeys (2011)
“And did you ever get the feeling
That these are things she’s said before?
Her steady hands may well have done
The devil’s pedicure.”
There’s a little suspicion in that opening question, then he slips in the devil’s pedicure. Such a bizarrely specific way of suggesting she’s had practice dealing with trouble. One of his cleverest images for me.
10. “Pretty Visitors” — Arctic Monkeys (2009)
“What came first, the chicken or the dickhead?”
Honestly, this might be my favourite. All those elaborate comparisons elsewhere, and replacing “egg” with “dickhead” still makes me laugh. An age-old question brought straight down to his level. And, evidently, mine.
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Alex Battman
Contributor, BritRock Heaven
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